If we were perfect
by Lotten
Summary: Midnight talks always leads to great revelations... and maybe just a hint of happiness too. Oh, yes, this is SO slash. Can't get slashier.


Yeah, I know that I should be writing on my other fics, but as I seem to be suffering from a bad case of Writher's Block (_literatii bloquadus_) at the moment, so forgive me for this piece of Remus/Sirius-fluff that my spaghetti-like brain has produced instead. I mean, it's not like I've been THAT prone to fluffiness – all sugar and pink bunnies and happiness, you know - in the past. I ought to be forgiven.

Anyway, I blame it all on all the sugar I've consumed, the late hour, and the fact that I've been listening to icky-cute love songs all evening.

XxXxX

**If we were perfect**

"_And you were mind-boggling_

_you were intense  
you were uncomfortable in your own skin_

_you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful  
If we were our nametags  
If we were our rejections  
If we were our outcomes I'd be joining you  
If we were our indignities  
If we were our successes  
If we were our emotions I'd be joining you"_

_- Joining you, Alanis Morisette_

In moonlight, Sirius had noticed, you could see very clearly that there was a slight red tint to Remus' hair. You could see glimpses of it in strong sunlight, but it was only in moonlight you really noticed. Remus was always the most beautiful in moonlight. And in the light of the full moon, he was perfect. That short moment when the moonlight hit him, and his skin started to glow from within as the dormant curse was activated, his pupils dilated, his eyes golden, his mouth slightly open in a gasp of breath that was all you could hear… Remus was never as beautiful as then. Just for a short moment, he truly was flawless. Sirius always cried, then, cried with shameful joy to see such perfect beauty. After that, he just cried, cried with grief to see Remus hurt. Neither James nor Peter had ever said anything about those tears, maybe because they could feel that it was something too intimate to try to give words to, or to question. So they probably settled for simply knowing that this was how things went, and always would.

Right now, the gibbous moon cast its pearly glow over Remus' serious face, and Sirius traces his lips with his fingertip, holding his breath with silent wonder. The scene breathed serenity and a strange kind of closeness: The two boys lying close to each other, but still separated somehow, one awake, the other asleep.

Then, suddenly, Remus twitched, his eyelids fluttering and his gaze focusing on Sirius, who had thoughtfully enough removed his hand and sat up.

"Padfoot? What are you doing here?" he mumbled sleepily.

"Nightmare again, Moony" came the soft reply. Sirius kept his eyes cast down, for even though he was familiar to the lie by now, it still hurt him to lie to Remus. True, he sometimes did wake up from horrible nightmares about the harsh, punishing hands of an uncaring mother, the harsh, punishing silence of a disappointed father. But most of the times, nowadays, when he came padding over to Remus' bed in the middle of the night, he had no such reasons. It was just that some nights, his own bed would feel so empty, so cold, and he feared the night around him too much to close his eyes. Then, he would lay awake until Remus fell asleep, count the hours until he was sure that nobody would question him, and slip over to the other boy's side. Some of the times, he would wake Remus up right away, but usually, he would sit for an hour or so and just watch what he was sure he could never have. It was a sweet torture, and he could never get enough of it.

Fortunately, Remus saw his downcast eyes as a sign of lingering sadness after the dream, rather than the shame it really was. "Poor Padfoot" he mumbled soothingly, reaching out to touch Sirius' cheek. Remus had always been the most physical one of the marauders. Peter couldn't even receive a friendly pat on the shoulder without flinching, James became uneasy if you became to intimate, Sirius was – he had to admit – afraid of getting to close. But Remus had always been of the opinion that contact could heal what words could not, and Sirius really didn't mind.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Remus continued in the same concerned tone of voice, his head attentively cocked to one side, his gaze worried. Sirius shook his head.

"No, Moony. It's… it's nothing new." He could see his own hands trembling, although he couldn't figure out why that would be. "I just don't want to think about it anymore. Is… is it okay if I stay here?"

Remus sighed. "I don't know why you keep asking me, Sirius. You know that I don't mind you sleeping in my bed, and I wouldn't say no to you, whatever you asked, when you're looking like that."

Sirius gave him a watery smile – when had he started to cry? – and lay down beside his friend. Remus placed a warm, soft hand at the base of his neck, smiling tiredly at him. The dark-haired boy shivered at the touch, and without really thinking about it he reached out and touched the small part of Remus' scarred chest that was visible among the folds of his blanket. As the smaller boy smiled even wider at him, Sirius wished feverishly that there was a possibility of doing more than this, than BEING more than they were. He wished for more touch than this, more of Remus' skin and Remus' warmth and Remus writhing with silent pleasure underneath him as he kissed him…

Sirius almost groaned out loud and stopped the train of thought before it managed to get any further. He was already half hard, and this was just not the right time to get aroused. Remus might notice.

"Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"I know it seems strange that I'm asking you this now, but… why do you always come here? I mean, surely James…"

Sirius shook his head with a small smile. "He'd get embarrassed. You know that, Moony. Peter too. They'd just feel odd about having a bloke in their beds."

"How did you know I wouldn't?" Remus asked, a strange expression crossing his face before being fought back.

"Well…" Sirius sought for words. "Hugging and touching and… and even kissing us and all that… it always came naturally to you. You sort of… don't seem to know any of those stupid boundaries that most people put up. You just do what you feel like, take care of people, no matter what. You don't make people feel stupid about needing a big hug and some friendly words. You're… braver than anyone I know in that way."

Remus blushed, looking happy. "Thank you, Sirius" he said softly. "That was one of the nicest things someone's ever said to me."

_I could spend every waking hour saying nice things to you if I knew that it'd make you smile like that every time,_ thought Sirius, as he forcefully prevented himself from kissing Remus full on the mouth.

And then Remus seemed to decide on something, as his expression became serious and his eyes seemed to harden with determination.

"You know… there is actually one more reason to why I shouldn't really be that awkward about having a bloke in my bed" he said slowly. Sirius twitched and his eyes widened. Could it be…?

"Moony?" he asked, his voice quivering ever so slightly. "Are you saying…?"

"I'm gay." Remus exhaled softly and closed his eyes. "There. I've said it."

Sirius remained quiet, simply because he didn't know what to say, how to act, or if he maybe could allow himself to hope…

"You know, if you don't feel comfortable sharing my bed anymore… you can leave. I won't blame you." Even though his voice was steady, there was a deep sadness in it, and he still hadn't opened his eyes. Sirius could see tears glittering amid his eyelashes.

"No, Remus, of course I won't go" he said hurriedly, inching a bit closer. "I was just… surprised, that's all."

"You mean you never suspected?"

"No."

"But…" he opened his eyes, but his gaze avoided Sirius'. "I mean, many people say… well, they say I act like a sissy, don't they? And I don't really do that many "boyish" things, and… well…"

"Don't be silly, Moony" Sirius said with a small smile. "Just because you're calmer and… well, milder than the most… Well, that's not because you are gay, is it? That's just how you are."

Remus blushed. "Well, yes, I know that, of course I do. I just thought that maybe…"

"Maybe people were saying "Ho, yes, that Remus Lupin is a classical fag" behind your back? Come on, Remie, most people are more intelligent than that. And those who judge others after some kind of stereotype are just dumb, alright? You needn't listen to people like that. You are Remus, with all that comes with that, and you just happen to like guys instead of girls. Big deal."

"Easy for you to say" Remus said, but his tone was amused rather than annoyed. "Fancy being a gay werewolf. Talk about minority." His smile was tinged with gentle self-irony. Sirius replied it with a similar one.

"True, I can't beat that" he said. "But gay purebloods are quite rare as well, wouldn't you say?"

Remus sat straight (ah, well, you get what I mean) up, staring down at him. This of course meant that his blanket no longer covered his bare torso. Sirius wondered how Remus would react if he started drooling, and had to choke down a fit of laughter.

"You!" Remus exclaimed, staring wildly at him. "You are… You _are_!"

Sirius nodded, couldn't help smiling at his friend's reaction. "Very much so, Moony. I've known since I was six years old."

Remus shook his head, slowly. "This is… impossible. Sirius Black, the biggest flirt in Gryffindor… gay? I know about girls that sleep with your picture under their pillows! And all those rumours…"

"All lies" Sirius said firmly. "One girl, I'm not going to say who, thought she might get more popular if she lied up a story about what we had done together. The story was already quite spread when her friends came to ask me if it was true, and… Oh, Moony, I didn't have the heart to embarrass her in front of all these people! And she was looking at me with eyes that just told me how utter her humiliation would be if I said we hadn't, so… I told them she was telling the truth. I couldn't help it. And then it just rolled on. More and more girls came out with great confessions about what had happened between her and the great womanizer Sirius Black, and all of them thought they were the only ones lying about it and I could do nothing to stop it."

Remus was wide-eyed by now. Then he quietly, his shoulders shaking violently, started to laugh. "Oh… Padfoot… you're… you're just… priceless… You know that?" His eye shone brightly with amusement, and Sirius couldn't help chuckling.

"And so" he said, faking mournfulness "the great big nancy-boy Sirius Black somehow became the biggest player Hogwarts will ever see for years to come."

Remus let out a small, joyous cry and flung himself at Sirius, hugging him close. "Oh god, Sirius, I do think I love you!"

The dark-haired boy immediately tensed up, and Remus gasped softly when he realised what he had said. But he didn't let go. They sat block still for some moments, before Sirius raised his arms to return Remus' embrace, clutching him so closely that he could feel the other boy's heartbeat.

"I do think I love you too, Remus. Just so you know."

"Did…" Remus swallowed nervously "did you mean it like love-love? Like… boyfriend-love?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Uhm…" He moved a bit, so that his head rested just at the base of Sirius' neck, where it met the shoulder. "So did I."

"I sort of hoped that you did."

"You weren't sure?"

"No. But I like living on the wild side."

"Oh Sirius…" Remus' laugh was a bit muffled. There was a long, comfortable silence, before Remus decided that he had to ask or die cursing himself. "So… You said that you'd known you were gay since you were six. How did you find out?"

Sirius was silent for a moment, before sighing a bit. "Well, if you have to know, I got a crush on another little boy. You know… puppy-love, like?"

"Oh…" Remus leaned back a little to study Sirius' face. This was intriguing. "So what did you do?"

Sirius grimaced. "I was… well, I was a spoiled brat, and I expected to get everything I wanted. And I sort of thought I had an idea how these things were supposed to go, so I… uhm…"

"What?"

"I pushed him into a wall, locked his hands against a wall, and kissed him. I'm afraid it was really quite a lousy kiss."

Remus blinked, eyebrows going skyward. "And what did he do?" he asked in a slightly choked voice.

A deep blush spread over the marble skin of Sirius Black's face. "What do you think he did?" he muttered, clearly embarrassed. "He pushed me away, punched me over my nose, and yelled bloody murder. Poor bastard. I got one of the worst thrashings ever for that."

Remus pursed his lips, stroking the cheek of the other boy. "Poor baby. But really, Sirius, you've got to tell me… Who was that boy?"

Sirius looked away, now a wonderful scarlet shade that would've prided any Gryffindor. "I'd rather not say" he said stiffly.

"Sirius Lee Orion Black, now you tell me who that boy was!" Remus said in his best teacher-voice, glaring steadily at the Heir of the Black Family, who was currently being steadily embarrassed to the dust.

Sirius sighed. "Alright. Fine then. Severus Snape. There, happy? We NEVER managed to get along after that."

He didn't get an answer from Remus, though, since the werewolf had completely cracked up, and now lay gasping for air on his bed, almost choked to death by laughter. And even though Sirius didn't find it anywhere near as funny, he smiled lovingly down at the shaking frame of the other boy.

"Remus… promise me you'll never leave me."

Remus still couldn't get out a single word between the fits of helpless giggling, but Sirius was happy anyway. "I'll hold you to that" he murmured, laying down beside his laughing boyfriend, his arms wrapped around him and his face buried in his hair. Remus smelled of the forest; of moist grass, of pine, of moss, of the feeling of paws burying into the soft soil as dark shapes hurried through the night under a radiant moon.

Maybe they very rarely were perfect; there are few moments in your life when a human – or a werewolf – is allowed to be that. But if they had been perfect, it wouldn't have been the same things. It wouldn't have been _them_, and the feeling that overwhelmed him right now maybe wouldn't have been as wonderful as it was now. You never knew, of course, but Sirius did know that he wouldn't trade this, them, for anything in the world.


End file.
